Drunk from life

I woke up a bit more than one hour ago, feeling fairly well. I slept like 6 hours, maybe more. I was a bit exhausted from the tours and walks of two days ago. I set up myself here in my living room, with my coffee and everything ready to work. Started reading a bit of N.Goldberg as her insights on writings and meditation are enchanting.

And yet, as almost each and every one of those mornings when there is no physical distress or some kind of specific thoughts that is bothering me, I feel the milliards chances I am given.

This is my time here, my moment and it won’t always be this way. I won’t be always so blessed to be so healthy.

I am so grateful I can’t describe. These are those opening moments when the universe is so good. I am just aware of how alive I am, right where I am.

I am trying to reflect and I am meditating on this sudden need for tears about to come. A sense of helplessness I almost fear. Is it really something I have to understand or is it something I have just to watch?

How does a human being live these mindful days, when he can’t fulfil the desire of taking off his clothes, running to the beach, sweat all the life out and cry of happiness afterwards, for being here, alive, aware?

Typing these words alone is all I want right now. For I know that this dizziness is just nothing but a witness to my freedom.

I refuse to listen to those making up wishes of mine. I listen to my heart, quiet my mind. I close my eyes to see myself smiling at life. It is here, it is now, it is happening. I am contented. Not given to know if this awareness is a blessing or a curse, I watch it and almost wish for some well-known distress to keep me back. This heart beating faster, my throat closing up and inpatient sounds – they will eventually leave me.

Does this have to do with my morning journal entries, named as ‘Thursday’ or ‘middle of the week’ or ‘almost Monday’? It makes me hear the sound of a calendar page falling with the wind but yet, all that I want to hear is my being moving and not watching a clock ticking. What is that each and every of this day leaves to me, for my growth? I believe in my desires and my plans for creating what I want to. I listen to them, without forcing too much.

I try to be kind to myself in a pushing world for immediate results.

Yesterday I headed into town around 7 p.m. I had a full day of work, here at home. I cooked a bit, run light errands during my break, had a shower. Looked into my eyes while putting makeup on, fearing was too late to get to the beauty salon. When inside the metro, I was feeling exhausted. I did not have the energy to pick my phone from my bag.

At the end of each working day, when I step out of my home, this is the effect. There’s too much noise. Even when I am not working for anyone else. It can be a Sunday afternoon or a bank holiday, I often feel sick.

I suddenly need to run far from this unnecessary chaos. I long for the ocean. For that sacred silence cradling my smiles and my tears.

When yesterday I came back into myself, I was inside that mess again. I was late for the appointment. Everyone inside that metro carriage looked mad at someone, for something but how much of this is just my tiredness for something I am not even able to name?

I don’t care. This too will pass.

I just want to find the moonlight tonight. Feel the love I have, I give and receive. Forget too much reality all at once once because I am just drunk from life – and this is beautiful 🙂

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