…aren’t like invisible small dots on a plain canvas of possibilities? But still, how much do they really matter to ourselves?
Working towards the things I love is what helps me to make sense of my dry, daily performances.
It is very easy to feel great when travelling full time or out of any responsibilities but as of now, my life has changed a bit. I do live with simplicity anyways, I do not need that much to feel satisfied. I work 8 hours per day to pay my bills (and save for the next long-term trip) and 2 hours to build my dreams. I have lately been discovering that I prefer a glass of good red wine to accompany some quality meal to crazy parties from which I need two days to recover.
Some days I wake up and I feel nothing. I feel I hate my job, I hate my customers, I feel my words on that blank page are useless. I force to write my journal and confess everything into that private space of mine especially during this kind of days. When I am too out of focus to realize how in two hours or two days this useless feeling will be gone again.
I often need to cut all devices out of my sight (brain included) after a busy day. I look for silence. I love going outside, chasing the sunset before it’s too late. Running and sweating the chilly air. Letting go of all those info which broke inside me and I won’t remember anymore in 5 months because I don’t need them and they don’t need more space than what is due inside myself. More than all, I love staying at my desk and try to work on my project(s) which requires patience, dedication, perseverance. I love facing this challenge because it is hard work.
I feel so blessed for being on this side of the world, having found a family, people who love me, a well-paid job and all the peace I need to stay focused on my goals but still – what about those dull moments, when I hear inside myself ‘Why did you stop here, now?”
So I have to reprogramme the naughty kid I have inside (who I love deeply for being this way, btw) and explain him as a patient granny that right now this is what I need and what I’ve chosen.
This is when, after hours of dilemmas about the choice I’ve made to stop for a couple of months, I know I need to see what I have done, which at times it is not clear. And this is something I urge you to do during those desperate moments: stop and look at all the good things you have done. Be utterly honest with yourself. I personally say to myself:
This year I published my first book. I left everything I had and I jumped into travels and adventures. I let myself available for love again. I allowed myself to fall in love, fully.
I accepted big changes and I welcomed the pleasures and pains that come with them. Slowly. Struggling. I am accepting the pain and pleasure coming out from changes and from my life every day, because nothing lasts forever!
I know many people do not agree with what I am saying but there’s too much hardship, too much stress on the competition with the other one out there as if battlefields aren’t just for soldiers.
We are human beings and so we should love living. We should appreciate things, other human beings, places, nature. What is this philosophy about excelling at all costs despite our own pleasure, respect, values?
We have to marry our ideas and follow our hearts and gut when things start to look too complicated.
Our soul will become a lift if we can appreciate what we have now. And who, really, prevent us from living a life tuned to what we want if not our own selves?
There are people whose eyes get 3 times wider when seeing a 6 figures salary and then, there are people (like me) who do the same for a page of a novel. For the beauty of a sunset. For a day spent with a person I love and have been missing.
It is a matter of choice, not a critique to those who prefer luxury to poetry.
I am a dreamer and a person lost in time but this is what makes me feel truly alive. This was what helped me to rise again from the darkest moments: having the bare, harsh courage to be myself. This is why I think I will never stop writing this blog because I want everyone to know how it is not a fantasy to live the life we want if we learn how to play it.
But I will tell you the biggest tip. First you need to learn how to live alone, on your own. You have to know who you are. You have to spend sleepless nights trapped by those monsters screaming inside you:
This is not you. This is not your life. If you keep living like this, you will die
The only way you have to win them is to face them. Be honest with yourself. What makes you happy? What makes you angry? Are you ok with your employer? Do you do daily things which you believe in? Do you love the people who are next to you? Do they appreciate you?
If your passion is writing, journal. If it is music, play. If it is playing football, play football. And when you can’t, find time for it after or before you are done with whatever else you have to do.
Use your latest failure point as the starting point to reinvent your life. Yes. AGAIN.
This 2017 for me opened with a tragedy. It was already a tragedy before the actual tragedy happened because I was simply waiting for leaving my old life and start all over again. I had duties to fulfil, economic obstacles which prevented me to jump earlier. It is now the end of this same year and how do you think for me this year is ending with a big lesson I learnt inside? I am not any smarter or better than any other human being. It is maybe some shit life threw at me when I was younger that taught me how our shit in life can just get bigger if we fall into the trap and do not take responsibilities of our own actions.
I am just sick of a life I don’t want and I have seen people leaving me too early that I do not want to have regrets – that’s all.
But I’ve spent some time alone. Most of my time. And when I say alone, I do not necessarily mean I was lonely. But I have been eating on my own, travelling solo and going to bed in an empty big bed for a very long time. I tried and I love trying different things to see what is that can be changed when I don’t like something. I am used to reflecting on my actions. I am used to finding amusement through things I do for me and not just by myself. I regularly journal about my silent thoughts, pains, emotions, actions, goals. Anything that comes up to my mind and heart stays in my journal because I’ve come to realize this is my personal way to help myself. Who can truly know us if not ourselves? Thanking Socrates for the hint 😉
In a moment of the year where everyone stresses about ‘new year’s resolutions’ and future plans, I wish you to come back to the present moment and be grateful for living your days – today. Make yourself available and accountable for your own actions and never ever forget life is something to enjoy!