I knew this day would have come

The day I am exactly where I wanted to be.

 
I quit my job because I want to be in a warm place.
I quit my job because for the last couple of months I used to wake up with a rusted grip inside.

The issue was not my office nor my colleagues. The issue was with my own self.
I couldn’t bare anymore that voice screaming inside

You have so many things you want to tell
There are so many people you still have to meet
There are wonderful sceneries waiting for you
There will be a million regrets if you don’t do this while your blood is boiling hot

At the end, I really had no choice.

I would have stayed doing the same life I have been doing for the last couple of months only if I did not love myself enough.

I would have started looking for each and every reason to externalize myself from a reality which is not the one I want.

What keeps me awake at night sometimes is the only awareness that I often don’t know what is that I want.
Because one day I could climb the Olympus and the next stay buried under my bedsheets for the sake of not meeting friendly eyes who would ask me

Why are you sad? What makes you crying?

There are days I really feel I have too many turmoils inside and all that I need is a glimpse of love and a pinch of understanding. From the ones who know me a lot and maybe even from the ones who don’t know me too well.

We all are human in the most silent part of ourselves, even when we seem as hard as cliffs.

Each of us is fighting internal battles that we often have no idea about.

Finding the courage to go on living despite our fears, it is often what our days are about because most of us keep on living without showing anything on the surface. But if you look carefully in the deepest corner of their eyes or listen carefully to the sound of their words and what is that they have been doing till now – you will see how you are not alone in this battle you are facing.

That’s the most important thing: going on. Fighting that dark side which is letting us down and wants us to surrender.

My closest friends are the best medicine to my sadness in this second parental grieving process I am going through. When they can’t talk to me or Internet is not here, there are many people available to share experience and opinions with.

Sometimes we really just need to talk. Some other times we need to be remembered of what we have done in our life till now so that we know we will be able to make it even this time.

I know that all I want this time is to feel the pain.

This time I won’t run away from it as I did eleven years ago when I lost my mother.

I need to feel it and cry and I need to look for what is really that makes me feel alive.

I am very much aware of the mental web I often lose myself into. It’s where I can see only dark and all I remember is a list of things about me that I don’t really fancy so much.

But nothing is lost and nothing is forever as long as we will find the willpower to be the best version of ourselves – even in the most desperate times. It won’t be every day but it surely can be most of our days.

Keeping on loving each other while accepting our weakness is the way to find energy. It is hard and you really have to want it. But what if you surrender and waste your life? How will you feel the day you will close your eyes forever if not already dying because all the things you did not do in your life when you could?

It’s that train you know it’s there because it is waiting for you. It has your name on it with a one-way ticket to the best chance you can think of. If you miss it this time, who knows if it will ever be back… Some chances can come once and maybe twice but some other ones won’t give us a third shot.

A life that is living you is not like living the life you want.

Chiara

(currently volunteering in a wonderful Finca in Fuerteventura loving it!)

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