Change always comes when you forget its existence

I read my last blog post while a shy smile appears on my face. I feel that in a mere temporal space of 20 days, my life has literally been thrown inside a washing machine while the spinning button is stuck on the maximum power.

I am writing through a new, acquired Lenovo laptop and next to it there are pieces of notes scattered all over the places.

What I have to bring with me? What I will store into my friend’s basement? What I will give away, if no chances of a last minute buyer will come up?

In order to understand how to manage my things before leaving this country for some new adventures, I drew three big columns on a piece of paper answering the three above questions. There is also a fourth column related to the heavy things which I will send via post: my teaching notes and materials, a pretty heavy English grammar for teachers and my seven or eight journals I have been writing since May 2015. As much as love travelling light (and I will come back with practical details on this), I won’t survive a potential teaching role without that stuff, nor I can do without my journals, as I need them for my actual writing projects.

Where am I going? I am not sure yet – also because I will need to drop off to Italy at a certain stage for things I can’t postpone. For this reason, I will try to be at a short distance location at least at the very beginning of my trip, or somewhere it won’t cost me a fortune to get to Sicily. It has just to be warm and where I can see, smell and live the sea everyday.

I am not good in giving bad news but all I can say is that I have a void which no words can describe. I have been feeling like this since January 5th and in between of these days, I am aware of also beautiful feelings occurred and beautiful people have been close to me.

In barely two weeks I switched from being the happiest person on this planet, with all the struggles and sorrows and insecurities which you can’t read through the lines, to the feeling of being that small and weak little girl again.

There is a space as big as a meteor crater expanding inside me and it’s the awareness of being left alone on this planet. It’s not the feeling of loneliness, which I actually enjoy. This is the realization that once the status of being kid is gone and you are 32, you really are the only one who has the right to look after yourself and to love yourself till the day your eyes will close forever.

On January 5th, while I was on the beautiful island of Lanzarote, enjoying the locals, some romance and some gin, my brother informed me abut the sudden death of my father. A heart attack and he was gone in ten minutes.

You can try to write and you need to be a good writer (not just like me) to put down the pain that takes you over when something like this happens. I already lost my mom eleven years ago and this sudden death of my remaining parent is the real push for me to sit down ad open my heart and give out the bleeding pain.

Because this is the only way we writers can breath.

This won’t create the last chance to run crying to my dad to tell him what I fear, but it will help me to make him eternal.

This is how I can envision my parents still smiling. Calling me ‘the writer‘ or ‘the poet’, as since I could grab a pen in my hand and who the hell knows if I am good even half of the word, I haven’t enjoyed doing anything as much. Was it a chance that the decision to leave for traveling was taken a couple of days before this tragedy happened? Is a coincidence too that if before this tragedy I had some savings, now I find myself really with a ridiculous amount of money to be on the road?

For how stupid it may seem, events and chances won’t stop me doing what I feel inside and if any issue will arise, I will find a way to solve it as it comes.

I will volunteer for some months and I will give my best in everything I do, so that I can feel alive those two smiles again in every smile of the people I will help on my route.

So that I can still have the feeling of living a maternal love which is totally unconditional, for nothing asks in return but only wants to give.

15943004_10154817124147591_1260973195_o

Advertisements

  One thought on “Change always comes when you forget its existence

  1. January 22, 2017 at 7:42 pm

    Another path to trace, probably it will bring you in another blurry but clear dimension where the feelings from your brain won’t fallow your body, where you will fight for the sake of understanding and accepting the whole package.
    The writing will bring you the breathe you are talking about, the friends will bring you distraction, people you don’t know will bring you the smiles that yo9u will be looking for.
    Time, your time, is what you need to realise how important you are and, despite all that you know, you’ve received the unconditional love that only parents can give, the true one. Excuse my cynic way to be direct, my words are too sharp to accept the death and sadness your sadness, my gypsy lovely friend.
    You are strong and fragile, you are romantically in love with life, you ‘re scared but adventurous,
    You will have the support of your friends who will, who are already your second family…. Travel, work, write, run, scream, take pictures, draw on pieces of papers found in each place you will go and take out all your emotions.
    I’m no good in words and I hope you will understand that I will always be there for you Chip and hope my friendly chippy love will warm you will need to stop shivering.
    Love you my friend,
    Ellie, Ely, Chip… call me how you prefer…I will always hear your voice.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Sára
    February 7, 2017 at 7:21 pm

    You have a new fan, me. I love the way you write. Missing you a lot.

    Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: