When I hear the word philosophy, an entire universe filled with wonders opens in front of my eyes.
When I hear the word philosophy, I still recall that September day of about 15 years ago, when a small and tanned teacher entered the classroom carrying a heavy book. White pages pinned with a blue hard cover showing the statue of a very unpleasant looking man.
“Good morning guys. I am Ms D’ Agostaro and I am your Philosophy teacher “
I will never forget that day.
I went back home so excited, I could not stop talking to my dad about all these questions we were supposed to find the answer.
Where do I come from?
Why am I here?
What is the truth?
Am I really existing?
Who am I?
Every time I hear the word Philosophy, I remember the passion I felt when diving as deeply as possible into those weird syllogisms. I remember the uncountable hours spent repeating in my head the things I learnt. I started to love my weekly headaches, given by the depth of words which were turned into theories.
Each theory was an universe and every philosopher was the master of his own planet.
Finding the right lot of brain where these words could be physically located to make sense was at times exhausting but I simply adored it.
Years went by, I graduated from High School to suddenly find myself a Philosophy student in college.
The more I was studying, the more my intellectual patterns were expanding and connecting into this boulevard of walking brains – as I liked to picture them. Every thinker was always coming with a new theory which was better than the previous. History was colouring thoughts with a different palette for every period I was studying.
The view I got from some intellectual peaks sometimes gave me shivers. Some other times it did make me want to throw up.
When the date of an exam was approaching, there were days I was not even showering. Locked in my bedroom with the lamp always on, the ashtray full of drags and papers all over the places. I remember one night my mom came and told me she never saw me so ecstatic. I remember I was all into Nietzsche that night, getting ready for Philosophy of Religions.
It was a Friday night and I was back home from my student flat from the city. What a shock for my family.
I cried – when I found too hard to understand that everything I was learning was just a thought among other million thoughts.
I cried more – when suddenly my entire life turned upside down and I fell into a vortex of events which brought me so far away from my books.
I suddenly also lost any interest in learning in general – because I was too busy in trying to destroy myself.
Today I picked a book about existentialism which I bought when I was living in Dublin. The first page reads my signature and carries the date 01.08.2012. I was going through such a hard period back then and though it is only four years ago, I remembered many details about those days only yesterday, when I found the journal of that same year.
Now I am able to understand why when I bought this book I could read just the introduction.
As the first lines of Kierkegaard’s Fear and Trembling approached, I rushed for making space for this volume into my Georgian living room bookshelf. I never tried to read even a single line more after that August 1st, 2012.
It was just too hard to wander into my brain carrying such strong ideas at that time because I was too busy in trying to accept things I could not change.
Those are far nights from now because I don’t believe anymore in things and people and thoughts which are permanent.
And even now when I hear the word philosophy – sometimes I still remember those blue bed linen I used to sleep in when I was a student. There were big white clouds printed on them and I loved dreaming of far things and maybe flying when my head was resting there.
During that time, life was flowing so easily and all I had to do was taking care of my many books, of my exams and of those lovely weirdos which are all the philosophers I used to worship.
But after all the other sleepless nights which came straight after and lasted years – years that I spent fighting my negative thoughts and unconsciously working on myself – I know now I am ready to fill my skull again with whatever subject I please.
Because I have learnt that no matter what is crossing our minds – it won’t be forever.
We are changing human beings and because of that – observing the flow of feelings, events and wishes is all that really matters.
Nothing will ever stay the same. Only that ugly statue pictured on the cover of my old philosophy book stays still there – as a witness of the great capability of constructing and deconstructing we human have.
A laugh and a huge lack of unecessary seriousness can solve many things.