How much would you give away for the sake of being truly happy?
You know, that feeling that is taking advantage of you any minute of your day. Maybe you suddenly wake up in the middle of the night and even there, you are perfectly at ease. There is nothing wrong, you are a dancing autumn leaf. You are as harmonious as a butterfly. Your colours shine through the grey mornings of your winters and yet, they are so powerful that any summer sprouts would like to compete with you.
I feel like this most of my time since I started living differently.
Of course, I have my blue moments or days. I am a woman and almost every month I suffer of PMS. I am a traveller and I have heavy travels hangovers which are much worse than the awakenings after epic drinks. I have feelings for people far from me carved in my soul which make my heart cry out at times.
But there is a kind of thrill that shakes my spine every time I open wide my eyes and think about what I can do in this life. There are no limits – because the only limits we have are the ones created by our minds.
Our fears, our past, sad experiences. The conditions given by the system we belong to, the strong words said by our siblings. The terms of the contract we signed with our last employer.
But eventually, as someone once said, were we really made for just paying bills and die?
I’ve come to the conclusion that some people were made for this kind of life and they perfectly fit it. Sometimes, I have to admit that I envy them. It doesn’t happen often but it does happen sometimes.
Because I know that this passion spinning inside me for places, people, freedom and words has a high price on my life tag. Sometimes I wish I was born with an infertile soul, with a silent mind and with an iced heart.
It would be much easier to get a crappy job to pay my bills and keep it for my whole life. Not feeling overwhelmed by night demons when I only dare to think about an office with robotic beings for the rest of my days.
It would be so natural for me to surrender to the subtle propositions of that perfect guy I’ve just met, who listens shocked to my desires of freedom. Who doesn’t even try to think that I’ve been so hurt in my past that I need time and I can’t dive into definitions and locked syllogisms after only two weeks I’ve known him.
Almost every stranger I talk to about my life says the same sentence. “You have a beautiful life. You will get good things”.
I am aware of it. I am living a beautiful life and I know good things will come my way because good things are here, now. Every morning when I wake up, if I feel the smell of despair knocking on my bed, I start writing down all the things I am grateful for. You want to know what was in the list this morning?
- Today I am alive and healthy.
- Today I don’t have to get on my bike to go to that bloody office.
- Thanks to that bloody office job, I can get a discount to buy my clothes and I can buy food.
- Outside is warm and sunny.
People who meet me and fall in love with my philosophy of life sometimes have no idea what does it take to pursue a passion which requires hard work,patience and perseverance.
So yes, the price on my tag is high, very high. It doesn’t know any sales or bargains but you know what? That is what makes it so precious.
I could never be someone I am not. I have this life only and I will work hard to get where I want. This makes me happy. This makes me feel alive. This is the price I pay daily for my happiness, which makes it absolutely priceless.