Two days ago I was eating my lunch at the office. There was a colleague of mine (man) in front of me. We knew already each other, we had been trained for some products together. A friendly guy around my age, one who will always reply to your jokes and ask you how are you doing? even if it’s 8 in the morning. I like this kind of people with always a smile on their face.
Suddenly, out of the blue, he went Chiara, you are lesbian right? My spoon filled with my chicken soup stopped half way to the entrance of my mouth. With all due respect to the lesbians, can I ask you what makes you think that? – I said. Maybe he was expecting a different reaction, he doesn’t know me that well at the end. Sometimes people get weird when you ask them such a straight question. I personally love this kind of questions.It does excite me. We can’t go on talking about the weather all the time.
Well, you never talk about guys. I find you very beautiful and a pleasant person to talk to. I just don’t understand how you talk about travelling solo and never about settling down to have kids or a relationship. That’s what most of women talk about all the time.
He has a girlfriend and I think he wasn’t trying to ask me something different than that.
A bigger smile appeared on my face though. Who doesn’t love compliments?
I understand, but I am not lesbian. I wouldn’t have any problems in admitting that if that would be the case. The truth is – I love men. I really do.
I cut the conversation there and we started talking about something else.
Despite of all the appearances, I am a very discreet person at work. I can reveal all my secrets to a perfect stranger but office life sucks and I prefer to sacrifice deep conversations depending who I am talking to. You will never know on which table your words will end up and though I genuinely don’t care about what people think of me, I am not the one who goes to the office every morning at the end of the day. I am not that person, I am another one. That is just to give me some money right now and it will end as soon as I can quit it. That is why my working life and my private life have to stay separate. I am not a robot and I am not here to get someone else rich.
In other situations, where I would have felt free to say everything I believe in, I would have started by adding: “I am a person who doesn’t need anyone else. I don’t need a man or a relationship. I am happy as I am”.
But hey, this doesn’t mean I wouldn’t like one!
This is what most people can’t get, I don’t know why it seems so difficult to understand it. Why most people think it’s so weird to be happy just with yourself, for no particular reason AND without erasing from your life the possibility of having a partner? I am sad to realize this because this is what really makes you free from anything or anyone. Maybe, some people had such a flat life, no pain, no passion, no real loves, so they have never suffered or felt deeply to get naked in front of themselves.
It took me years to realize how beautiful is to live in peace with myself. Without fearing (literally) an empty house. A Friday night just with some wine or my books to go to bed only when the dawn starts to show off works just as fine as a night out with my friends or a romantic date.
It is not about sex either. I do love physical contact, I love sex and I please myself in every possible ways. I love casual hook ups as much as deep connections born from something else than an immediate, quick arousal. When I walk down the streets it takes me seconds to understand where I should go if I want to entertain myself with someone else. I like curious things in bed and I like to experiment also. But I don’t need anyone to complete me.
Maybe one day I will need someone, if I meet one who drives me crazy for real. Someone with whom I can share sleepless nights lying under a starry night, drinking gin and talking about lives on other planets. And Kierkegaard’s books. My childhood, his past relationships. Someone who doesn’t wait for you to be all dressed up and ready for hitting the clubs to see the beauty in you.
Truth is – there are so many people. So many interesting people. Each one carries things inside. Listening to everyone’s thoughts is one of my favourite hobby. But sharing your everyday life it can be challenging. No matter how open minded or accommodating you are: two worlds clash and if both don’t get into the idea that it is about shared moments, I think is difficult to live a real love story.
Everything can end anytime and living our life doesn’t start because someone great just entered our life. Stories like this don’t last and you can believe me as I was a master of them till sometime ago. I did not know any other kind of love.
I reached a point where giving love is probably more important than receiving it. I feel big feelings inside me and I always look for things, people or situations to hand them out. Because love is not just for a partner but it’s for everything and everyone.
But yes, to my colleague and everyone else, I am not lesbian. I probably am too much in love with myself to be compliant to the usual things most couple do just for the sake of it. Also, my past experiences with men weren’t all roses and flowers. They made me grow up, they made me selfish and they hurt me in such a way that it is difficult for me even to think about things that most women would accept without any hesitation. I would just take back my space and leave if someone would just try to cut my wings.
But love is the greatest energy of all and it literally makes the world spinnin – not just our heads. We should never renounce to it but always be brave, look for it, give it and be happy to take it back when someone is next to us.
This doesn’t mean settling for less than makes us happy. No one can make us happy, except ourselves. Everything else, it is a matter of how truly welcoming we are.
At the worst, new lessons to learn are on the pipeline.