To the love of my life

It is so weird being here and writing you an email.

I have been trying to write about you in the last ten years many times. I did wrote about you many times but I’ve always treated you in my mind as dead. This time I am writing to you.

Maybe tomorrow I will be able to catch a plane and be home again for some days so that I can surprise you, like I did once. I am pretty sure you remember it very well. It was the day after a real letter I wrote for you had arrived and you were so happy, also because of it. You truly are in love with me.

We could go to the hairdresser first and after to eat some Asian food. I am sure you would love Asian food if we go to try at least once together. And of course crazy shopping after. I will try not to make you walk too much but this time I am injured too, and in your same right foot, so I will for sure be soon as tired as you.

I would like to travel miles and miles only to kidnap you for the simple pleasure of going travelling somewhere far with you for sometime.

You know how many things could happen if you wouldn’t be here next to me? A million things. 

You always put always my happiness first, always before than yours. Your happiness is making us all happy. If you wouldn’t be here, it could be really difficult to be happy and you know this so well. I know our happiness would be your main concern even your very last day on earth.

You would never say “Oh my God, what have I done to you for dying?”.

No. You’ll be like “I know that if I am gone, my family won’t be united anymore…

Four days more and it will be year number ten without you. A this point mom, I can’t really go on pretending you are home and if tomorrow I’d catch the plane, you’ll be at the door, waiting so excited because I am coming back. This was one of the first fiction I had to learn how to erase from my mind because believe me, in 10 years I had a lot of those!

But there’s something I really, really want to tell you and it is about now.

Now I feel I can walk alone, now I had bit of a flavour of what is out of the door about and I know I will always take care of myself more than anything else because I am my own best friend left. Because the first one was you and no one will probably replace you. In any case, I can’t just stay here waiting, so I have to figure it out by myself. I had to.

Few things can get me sad or nostalgic. Sad moments are ok because are just moments. They too shall pass. One hour, one day, one week but if I focus only in what I have now, it is easier to be happier.

For this reason I think about you less than years ago. 

You were the one I could always count on, regardless of all the rest. You would have always found the right decision, at the right moment, in the right place, for the right thing. You would have always forgiven me, no matter what. You were thinking you weren’t a good mother only when you were so exhausted by me so that your sense of guilt was the last thing you had left. By that stage, you had given all yourself and your energies to me.

In these 10 years I basically tried to learn how to create a copy of the person you were for me, so that I don’t need to rely on anyone else. I will spare you the details of how this happened because there is no word that I am able to write to define what did it mean to go through  all this. But maybe the day I will try I will succeed in writing something decent, as the pages will bleed.Literally.

Your loss was the best lesson I ever had from my life, so far. I like considering it as a Math lesson, because it was useful but bitter and hard, as is Math for  me.

Knowing a person like you was like studying Socrates. Writing under the moonlight while listening to the Air on a G string. Watching every wave of the sea, with my salty skin being kissed by an exotic, passionate sun (or lover!).

I miss you in the very small things. Like going to buy clothes. Seeing you eating ice creams and getting stains all over the dress. Being in the car with you while you are pretending to park, when you are just crashing us against the fence.

There are billion and a thousand thing I can think about you. This is what makes my life blessed and I am close with my heart to everyone who is not so lucky. {Like you, Elisa, my love, I am thinking a lot about you too♥}. 

I have so many smiles, so many words, so many funny faces, so many silly jokes of you mom. So many other times I remember worried faces but that was because I have always been consumed by passion inside, I wasn’t a bad kid after all and you knew this very well.

But there’s one thing that I will never, ever forget.

 

“All I want is just you to be truly happy. I would do anything for that.”

 

I want you to know that I am really working for that mom, everyday.

I am fulfilled and I feel that everything other than me crossing my path, can just add something more. But nothing that I don’t have already. I lost everything when I lost you and I can’t lose myself twice.

I will always be happy, so now you can stop being concerned about me. I am so happy that I started to be more selfish and cut everything that is going against it.

For one reason, or any another one, I am happy now.

acquilonik

 

Your soul is a sun brightening upon us.

Sometimes I miss you so much that when I see by chance something beautiful, I often think it is you living in there. It makes me smile and love more, everything and everyone 🙂

All my love,
Chiara

  One thought on “To the love of my life

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